A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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