Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
