I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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