I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
