fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
