Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
