Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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