someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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