I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
