All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
