If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
