How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
