You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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