nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
