I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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