Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
