remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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