You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
