I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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