I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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