Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
