great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
