Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
