I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
