I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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