Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
