So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
