she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
