You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
