I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
