soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
