OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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