Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
