i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
