In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
