I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
