...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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