thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
