Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
