Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
a search helicopter?!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
