I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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