if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
