I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
