I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
