i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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