I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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