Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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