you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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