listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
