I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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